Friday, December 13, 2013

Cheers M'dears

*Cheers M’dears!*

'Twas the night before christmas when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Hrrumph, like hell.

It was Christmas Eve. Paul was six years old and Lou was four. Their dad and I had been up till well gone midnight with last minute wrapping, hanging stockings, preparing the sherry, mince pie and carrot for Father Christmas and Rudolf, doing everything that all good parents do at such times. We even hung ourselves out of the window (we lived over the Co-op at the time), shaking some sleigh bells! Hah, and it worked because next day My No1 Son Paul was still in a state of shock having heard Father Christmas arrive. Aaah.  Anyway, finally it was bedtime and off dad and I went, absolutely shattered and hoping the kids wouldn't wake until after six.

It hadn’t seemed five minutes had gone when I was woken up by the rustle of paper and in my groggy state realised Paul had started to unwrap his presents. Oh well, nothing for it but to get up so I woke dad and sleeping Lou.

*~*Yaye, It’s CHRISTMAS!*~*

*Happy Christmas everyone*

*~Lalalalalalalala~*

It didn’t take long before Paul and Lou had opened all their presents. We ooh’d and aah’d. We ate our traditional christmas breakfast of boiled eggs and soldiers – have to start the day with something decent in our tums - then we dressed in all our Christmas finery. Ooh’d and aah’d again ............

and waited...................

..........and waited.....................

............and waited.

We kept checking for life outside but the village seemed determined to stay asleep. What is wrong with these parents? Get up with your kids and play, it’s Christmas for crying out loud! Miserable gits.


Not having a clock in the house, dad switched on the radio. It wasn't long before the time was announced.

2 o’bloodyclock!

So we undressed and went back to bed.

And no, we didn’t have another breakfast.

Then there was the year when No.1 Son Paul……………..oh let’s leave that for another time J

*HAPPY * CHRISTMAS* *EVERYONE!*



All are welcome to join us for a slice of Christmas cheer and a very merry cocktail at TURNER TOWERS.

 ****************************************

Friday, December 6, 2013

Dead Trev (i & ii)

Dead Trev (i)

Trev (nick-named Dead Trev for obvious reasons to those who know him), couldn't believe his luck. There, at the disco (it was the 80’s) in The George, was the current girl of his dreams. Ever since she'd served him dinner in the staff canteen he'd fancied her. He made a point of always choosing something, no matter what; “pig’s balls? Yea, double portion please, lovely stuff”, from her servery. She, in his words, ‘would soon be begging for it’. All he had to do was bide his time until the perfect moment presented itself. And here it was.

She was dancing, he joined her and using one of his original chat-up lines said, “mine's a bakewell tart and custard, luv”.

So, though she smiled sweetly, he returned to our table and said dejectedly, “I think I’ve blown that one”.


Dead Trev (ii)

A whole crowd of us from work were enjoying a birthday lunch at the pub when we were joined by
extremely straight-laced, high-church, Pandora Arkwright. She had not been in work that day so was dressed in her casual clothes. Very casual as in low-cut, tight white t-shirt, jeans and obviously, no bra! She was flaunting her big jugs all over the place while Trev, with his eyes popping out of his head and not known for subtlety just couldn’t resist the temptation to speak.

“Can I slip my cheesecake down your front?” he asked.

As they say, the silence was deafening. Even we, his mates, were in awe of this blunder! He turned to us and said, “Did I say THAT?” Yes you did Trev, and it was brilliant!








Sunday, November 24, 2013

Paul

In memory of My No1 Son Paul 


Using some of the donations many of you generously gave to Paul's JustGiving site, we were able to make a great contribution to the planting of an oak tree for Paul and a further 700 saplings to the Phoenix Forest and Woodland Trust at Heartwood Forest, St Alban's, Herts. 
This forest will be there forever.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

YES IT'S HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.                                       

                                           TA DAH!!!!

             KNUTTYFORD FASHIONS
is pleased to bring you another crafty, clever, upcycled cardboard fashion item for on-trend people made and designed for you by that iconic fashion label

                        "iPoorLEenO"

…....currently preparing  for a fashion shoot 

                    with Vague magazine.


so let's bring on ...........


                          The Giletox!

Welcome back stylish people, come on into my world of the catwalk and discover how to make the Giletox, a lovely on-trend addition to your winter wardrobe. The Giletox is my latest fashion statement piece using upcycled materials, great for such times when other materials, such as fur and skin may not be so readily available. What could be better for the coming winter cold  than a wonderful Giletox whilst at the same time making a small contribution to our eco-system? Made of thick, durable cardboard, it is warm, practical and importantly at this expensive time of the year, free. It’s ideal for slipping on to, say, take the rubbish out to the bin or fill the bird-feeder up or even to nip to your local for a quickie. 

If you’ve already been smart enough to have made yourself a Boxhed, a design from one of my earlier posts, then you’re already on your way to completing your 2013 winter look!

Vague magazine have already shown an interest but as I was asked by so many of you for more fab and practical trendy pieces, I wanted you,  discerning fashion-conscious readers and watchers of my creations, to have the benefit before the whole damn world gets in on the act. After all fellow trend-setters, we are leaders not followers!


For the basic Giletox you will need these materials (picture A):

1)      2 strong cardboard boxes, I find  wine boxes ideal (available for free from most supermarkets)
2)      Extra-strong parcel tape
3)      Scissors, scalpel or penknife or craft knife
4)      Marker pen
5)      Safety Gear (safety goggles, beanie, apron, gloves )

   picture A  


Method …………….still in my madness


So let’s get started, shall we? Firstly, cut out two of the narrow sides of the boxes making sure you cut out two opposite sides. This is vitally important as this will form the main body of the Giletox. Just as with my Foox design in a previous post I found it helpful to label each box with L and R (Left and Right).

Next, cut out a hole large enough to put your arm through on each of the opposite sides of the above (picture B). Measure for your neck and cut away enough cardboard to fit.


picture B


Cutting cardboard can be tough, even dangerous on the fingers so please, please, please do get someone to help you or better still, do all the cutting for you.  And don’t forget the hugely important Safety Gear………it’s not called that for fun! A lesson I duly learned ……….painfully as you can see (picture C).


picture C

Thankfully, I’m extremely lucky to have my wonderful, able-bodied, safety aware Head (recently promoted) Technical Assistant (HTA) to call upon. Quickly coming to my aid, he sat me down, carefully wrapped my bleedin’ bloody finger in a medical rag - always to be found in my cleaning cloth box, made me a strong cuppa, told me to rest and began to proceed with the cutting. Unfortunately, he couldn’t find his safety goggles but, true to his brilliance at thinking out of the box (yet another boom boom), he wore an extra pair of reading glasses (picture D). Inspirational! Another lesson to be learned here, whilst HTA’s are an expensive addition to a company, they can be an invaluable asset to a company, for the most part.

picture D


Now you should have two separate pieces with armholes. Using the extra-strong parcel tape (which is an emergency must to have in your drawers), join the pieces together neatly on one side only to form the back section of the Giletox (picture E). Apply this technique to any other joints that may need strengthening. Repeat on the inside joints. If this is done messily it will look more Dorothy Perkins than designer and very unprofessional. Even if you are considering decorating your Giletox do not make the mistake of thinking it doesn’t matter what the basic is like. Please bear in mind, a lady should always look as good underneath as she does on top! Fur coat and no knickers is not what a lady aims for................under most circumstances. For that matter a real gentleman would also dress to that same high standard, but that’s another story for another day and another design.


picture E


There are several ways of completing the Giletox but first it will need some form of fastener. Using a scalpel, again with the utmost care and attention, not forgetting what could have been a disastrous end to my thriving career as a post-apocalyptic upcycling on-trend fashion designer, make a hole in each of the front pieces about half-way down. Through these holes thread either a lace or maybe a pretty ribbon, or if you are into that other current vogue of the simple but pleasant peasant style, what about some really thick string…….plaited? The neck-line can also be left au naturale if that is your preference as, of course, can the whole of the Giletox.

 However, if like me you cannot resist creating something dramatic and eye-catching, you could attempt to complete the Giletox to your own taste though on this point I must advise caution, remember, that old adage of less is more so keep it simple!  Why don’t you have a bash at copying mine, simple in its execution, dramatic in style…………..just look at  that collar! Real fur! Real road kill! You could use a pretty scarf if you don't happen to have a furry or feathered road kill animal readily available. The pretty lights are solar-powered so you don't have to be connected to the mains, another source of danger.................and inconvenience. I find, whilst not quite a necessity, certainly delightful to always have good, liquid refreshment to hand, hence the cocktail strap, Most of you will know I do quite enjoy a tasty cocktail, another thing my HTA is expert at making, so what could be better than a super, decorative cocktail holder attached to my Giletox? Obviously, this can be cut to any size to suit a number of purposes and with great difficulty and a resigned sigh, I have to accept there is an, albeit slight, chance you are one of those who prefer beer to cocktails thus requiring a larger strap. Please think carefully before doing this, slipping an ugly can or pint pot into the strap would spoil the line of the Giletox and it could no longer be classed elegant. Spillages have not been a problem for me but if you think there's a chance of losing your preciousness try cling film.which will hardly be noticeable, therefore will not spoil the look of your Giletox............................. and it really works!

Excitingly, Vague magazine are particularly interested in my Giletox at the moment, being right on-trend with its cosy, Christmassy look and their current launch of this seasons  ' Winter Boarding Card 2013'. Don’t you agree it would make a lovely, and let us not forget, a practical addition to your winter wardrobe?

And here you have it! Oh isn’t it just so brilliant? Don’t you just want one? Of course you do.......... so get cutting and save the planet!



























Chin chin, everybody!


Now wasn't that worth the wait?


Just one little tip: The Giletox, like all my designs, can be made waterproof with a coat of polyurethane………………matt, of course. Enjoy! :) :) :)

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Excitement



             
                                       IT'S ON THE WAY!!!!!

Friday, November 8, 2013

Anticipation

              


                            GET READY!!!!!



Tuesday, October 29, 2013

All In a Day's Work


A Tight Squeeze

Working at the centre was never boring and I always looked forward to the Adult Literacy Classes I helped with.

"Hello, James.  How are you today", I asked one of my  favourite students

"WHAT THE FUCK HAS IT GOT TO DO WITH YOU? YOU FUCKING BITCH I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

With that he grabbed me from behind, wrapped his arm around my neck and proceeded to strangle me.

I can honestly say I wasn't  cross with him as after all, it was the end of the month and he was due for his medication and he did let go…………..before I dropped dead!

Lucky meeeeeeeeeeee!


A New Identity

Nobody liked the photo of themselves on their work identity passes. Something had to be done and who best to do it but me? So I cut pictures out of glossy porn mags of men's bums and girl's jugs and carefully stuck them over the original photo's. They were so popular that orders were coming in thick and fast from all across the company, in particular from the men who seemed to appreciate the jug pics. Even the company auditors dropped in which was a scary moment -  I thought I'd been caught but they wanted to place orders! Hah, good job I had my own office wasn't it?

 One particular man (you reading this?) who obviously had total trust in me (oh why? J ), wanted a sexy jug job but he must never have really looked at his pass properly because on his I’d stuck a naughty pic of a pair of red and white pants so blatantly worn by a big man, nudge nudge, wink wink ;);) if yer know what I mean, and not the ID card holder who regardless, would not have wanted a man's donger hanging off his belt that sent out a completely different image of himself to what he would want! I recently found this photo in me drawers which is just like the pic out of the porn mag I used.
         
                                           
                      

Unlike my mate in the photo below taken not long after, it looked brill but when the company brought in spot ID checks the fun had to stop before I was found out and hauled before the Big’un! 

                 
   



I probably shouldn't admit to the Friday my accomplice in all things naughty and I put a salmon sarnie in a colleague's drawer which wasn't opened until the following Monday. Oo'eck pooey. J