Wednesday, October 9, 2019

Life at Turner Towers

 or.....
Loosing the plot

I wondered why my ear burnt like hell after I'd shoved cream in it to ease my eczema. I'd used flipping Volteral!

It's recurring idiocy.
Last week I had one heck of a struggle trying to take my boots off. I'd never had such difficulty with them before and it's not as if they're new for crying out loud - which I was and frightening the dog at the same time. God, I got them on in the first place, didn't I? I tried loosening the laces even more but they were friggin glued to my feet. And then I what did I see.
ZIPS!

Maybe I'd have had my wits about me if I'd not still been suffering from the fright of my life. In middle of the night I'd got up to go to the loo, crashed into The Naked Husband who crashed into the wall.
I screamed, he shook.

As he said, "What a good job I'd finished".  Aargh! Golden showers. 


Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Halloween Frighteners



Life Outside Turner Towers
Settling down into our seats to watch Halloween I breathed a huge sigh of relief. The journey had felt long and arduous, not from home but from the car park to the cinema. The hold ups we'd encountered became a Nightmare on Peel Avenue for they could be seen by all and sundry although they only directly affected me. I tried to walk with my knees as close together as possible hoping to keep the hold-ups up. Yes, hold-ups. The one's that hadn't seen light of day since I last wore them at my wedding. I was so pleased I still had them because they went perfectly with what I was wearing on this day of the dead. However, it wasn't working, they were falling......... fast. I kept having to stop to pull them up as unobtrusively as I could which wasn't that unobtrusive to be honest, especially when instead of standing in front of me to protect what little there is of my modesty, The Husband, grinning like a demented ghoul, stepped to one side and watched.  I thought I would take them off under cover of the dark in the cinema but it was becoming obvious I wouldn't make it so I sat on the nearest bench unzipped my boots and whipped the offending hold-ups off. Not lady-like and in full view of shoppers who pretended not to notice, the more polite one's that is.
Crikey, I didn't expect the blood letting to begin so early. Took me by surprise. That's why I screamed. Out loud. Very loud. Aaargh! Then halfway through the film The Husband, no longer able to contain his bladder had to go to the loo. I watched him return. He was trying so hard to be inconspicuous, bending low and creeping along as unknowingly, he took the wrong aisle, the one in front .. and the woman he thought was me turned to look just as he got right in her face. She let out one almighty scream. Aaaaaaaargh! Half the cinema burst out laughing and then we were in giggletown.
Crap film, though. On our way out and still laughing, the shocked lady and her man told us The Husband's part was the best bit of the film.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Cheers M'dears

*Cheers M’dears!*

'Twas the night before christmas when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Hrrumph, like hell.

It was Christmas Eve. Paul was six years old and Lou was four. Their dad and I had been up till well gone midnight with last minute wrapping, hanging stockings, preparing the sherry, mince pie and carrot for Father Christmas and Rudolf, doing everything that all good parents do at such times. We even hung ourselves out of the window (we lived over the Co-op at the time), shaking some sleigh bells! Hah, and it worked because next day My No1 Son Paul was still in a state of shock having heard Father Christmas arrive. Aaah.  Anyway, finally it was bedtime and off dad and I went, absolutely shattered and hoping the kids wouldn't wake until after six.

It hadn’t seemed five minutes had gone when I was woken up by the rustle of paper and in my groggy state realised Paul had started to unwrap his presents. Oh well, nothing for it but to get up so I woke dad and sleeping Lou.

*~*Yaye, It’s CHRISTMAS!*~*

*Happy Christmas everyone*

*~Lalalalalalalala~*

It didn’t take long before Paul and Lou had opened all their presents. We ooh’d and aah’d. We ate our traditional christmas breakfast of boiled eggs and soldiers – have to start the day with something decent in our tums - then we dressed in all our Christmas finery. Ooh’d and aah’d again ............

and waited...................

..........and waited.....................

............and waited.

We kept checking for life outside but the village seemed determined to stay asleep. What is wrong with these parents? Get up with your kids and play, it’s Christmas for crying out loud! Miserable gits.


Not having a clock in the house, dad switched on the radio. It wasn't long before the time was announced.

2 o’bloodyclock!

So we undressed and went back to bed.

And no, we didn’t have another breakfast.

Then there was the year when No.1 Son Paul……………..oh let’s leave that for another time J

*HAPPY * CHRISTMAS* *EVERYONE!*



All are welcome to join us for a slice of Christmas cheer and a very merry cocktail at TURNER TOWERS.

 ****************************************

Friday, December 6, 2013

Dead Trev (i & ii)

Dead Trev (i)

Trev (nick-named Dead Trev for obvious reasons to those who know him), couldn't believe his luck. There, at the disco (it was the 80’s) in The George, was the current girl of his dreams. Ever since she'd served him dinner in the staff canteen he'd fancied her. He made a point of always choosing something, no matter what; “pig’s balls? Yea, double portion please, lovely stuff”, from her servery. She, in his words, ‘would soon be begging for it’. All he had to do was bide his time until the perfect moment presented itself. And here it was.

She was dancing, he joined her and using one of his original chat-up lines said, “mine's a bakewell tart and custard, luv”.

So, though she smiled sweetly, he returned to our table and said dejectedly, “I think I’ve blown that one”.


Dead Trev (ii)

A whole crowd of us from work were enjoying a birthday lunch at the pub when we were joined by
extremely straight-laced, high-church, Pandora Arkwright. She had not been in work that day so was dressed in her casual clothes. Very casual as in low-cut, tight white t-shirt, jeans and obviously, no bra! She was flaunting her big jugs all over the place while Trev, with his eyes popping out of his head and not known for subtlety just couldn’t resist the temptation to speak.

“Can I slip my cheesecake down your front?” he asked.

As they say, the silence was deafening. Even we, his mates, were in awe of this blunder! He turned to us and said, “Did I say THAT?” Yes you did Trev, and it was brilliant!








Sunday, November 24, 2013

Paul

In memory of My No1 Son Paul 


Using some of the donations many of you generously gave to Paul's JustGiving site, we were able to make a great contribution to the planting of an oak tree for Paul and a further 700 saplings to the Phoenix Forest and Woodland Trust at Heartwood Forest, St Alban's, Herts. 
This forest will be there forever.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

YES IT'S HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.                                       

                                           TA DAH!!!!

             KNUTTYFORD FASHIONS
is pleased to bring you another crafty, clever, upcycled cardboard fashion item for on-trend people made and designed for you by that iconic fashion label

                        "iPoorLEenO"

…....currently preparing  for a fashion shoot 

                    with Vague magazine.


so let's bring on ...........


                          The Giletox!

Welcome back stylish people, come on into my world of the catwalk and discover how to make the Giletox, a lovely on-trend addition to your winter wardrobe. The Giletox is my latest fashion statement piece using upcycled materials, great for such times when other materials, such as fur and skin may not be so readily available. What could be better for the coming winter cold  than a wonderful Giletox whilst at the same time making a small contribution to our eco-system? Made of thick, durable cardboard, it is warm, practical and importantly at this expensive time of the year, free. It’s ideal for slipping on to, say, take the rubbish out to the bin or fill the bird-feeder up or even to nip to your local for a quickie. 

If you’ve already been smart enough to have made yourself a Boxhed, a design from one of my earlier posts, then you’re already on your way to completing your 2013 winter look!

Vague magazine have already shown an interest but as I was asked by so many of you for more fab and practical trendy pieces, I wanted you,  discerning fashion-conscious readers and watchers of my creations, to have the benefit before the whole damn world gets in on the act. After all fellow trend-setters, we are leaders not followers!


For the basic Giletox you will need these materials (picture A):

1)      2 strong cardboard boxes, I find  wine boxes ideal (available for free from most supermarkets)
2)      Extra-strong parcel tape
3)      Scissors, scalpel or penknife or craft knife
4)      Marker pen
5)      Safety Gear (safety goggles, beanie, apron, gloves )

   picture A  


Method …………….still in my madness


So let’s get started, shall we? Firstly, cut out two of the narrow sides of the boxes making sure you cut out two opposite sides. This is vitally important as this will form the main body of the Giletox. Just as with my Foox design in a previous post I found it helpful to label each box with L and R (Left and Right).

Next, cut out a hole large enough to put your arm through on each of the opposite sides of the above (picture B). Measure for your neck and cut away enough cardboard to fit.


picture B


Cutting cardboard can be tough, even dangerous on the fingers so please, please, please do get someone to help you or better still, do all the cutting for you.  And don’t forget the hugely important Safety Gear………it’s not called that for fun! A lesson I duly learned ……….painfully as you can see (picture C).


picture C

Thankfully, I’m extremely lucky to have my wonderful, able-bodied, safety aware Head (recently promoted) Technical Assistant (HTA) to call upon. Quickly coming to my aid, he sat me down, carefully wrapped my bleedin’ bloody finger in a medical rag - always to be found in my cleaning cloth box, made me a strong cuppa, told me to rest and began to proceed with the cutting. Unfortunately, he couldn’t find his safety goggles but, true to his brilliance at thinking out of the box (yet another boom boom), he wore an extra pair of reading glasses (picture D). Inspirational! Another lesson to be learned here, whilst HTA’s are an expensive addition to a company, they can be an invaluable asset to a company, for the most part.

picture D


Now you should have two separate pieces with armholes. Using the extra-strong parcel tape (which is an emergency must to have in your drawers), join the pieces together neatly on one side only to form the back section of the Giletox (picture E). Apply this technique to any other joints that may need strengthening. Repeat on the inside joints. If this is done messily it will look more Dorothy Perkins than designer and very unprofessional. Even if you are considering decorating your Giletox do not make the mistake of thinking it doesn’t matter what the basic is like. Please bear in mind, a lady should always look as good underneath as she does on top! Fur coat and no knickers is not what a lady aims for................under most circumstances. For that matter a real gentleman would also dress to that same high standard, but that’s another story for another day and another design.


picture E


There are several ways of completing the Giletox but first it will need some form of fastener. Using a scalpel, again with the utmost care and attention, not forgetting what could have been a disastrous end to my thriving career as a post-apocalyptic upcycling on-trend fashion designer, make a hole in each of the front pieces about half-way down. Through these holes thread either a lace or maybe a pretty ribbon, or if you are into that other current vogue of the simple but pleasant peasant style, what about some really thick string…….plaited? The neck-line can also be left au naturale if that is your preference as, of course, can the whole of the Giletox.

 However, if like me you cannot resist creating something dramatic and eye-catching, you could attempt to complete the Giletox to your own taste though on this point I must advise caution, remember, that old adage of less is more so keep it simple!  Why don’t you have a bash at copying mine, simple in its execution, dramatic in style…………..just look at  that collar! Real fur! Real road kill! You could use a pretty scarf if you don't happen to have a furry or feathered road kill animal readily available. The pretty lights are solar-powered so you don't have to be connected to the mains, another source of danger.................and inconvenience. I find, whilst not quite a necessity, certainly delightful to always have good, liquid refreshment to hand, hence the cocktail strap, Most of you will know I do quite enjoy a tasty cocktail, another thing my HTA is expert at making, so what could be better than a super, decorative cocktail holder attached to my Giletox? Obviously, this can be cut to any size to suit a number of purposes and with great difficulty and a resigned sigh, I have to accept there is an, albeit slight, chance you are one of those who prefer beer to cocktails thus requiring a larger strap. Please think carefully before doing this, slipping an ugly can or pint pot into the strap would spoil the line of the Giletox and it could no longer be classed elegant. Spillages have not been a problem for me but if you think there's a chance of losing your preciousness try cling film.which will hardly be noticeable, therefore will not spoil the look of your Giletox............................. and it really works!

Excitingly, Vague magazine are particularly interested in my Giletox at the moment, being right on-trend with its cosy, Christmassy look and their current launch of this seasons  ' Winter Boarding Card 2013'. Don’t you agree it would make a lovely, and let us not forget, a practical addition to your winter wardrobe?

And here you have it! Oh isn’t it just so brilliant? Don’t you just want one? Of course you do.......... so get cutting and save the planet!



























Chin chin, everybody!


Now wasn't that worth the wait?


Just one little tip: The Giletox, like all my designs, can be made waterproof with a coat of polyurethane………………matt, of course. Enjoy! :) :) :)

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Excitement



             
                                       IT'S ON THE WAY!!!!!