Blind Dating

Blind Dating (i)

One blind date I went on lasted oh, for all of an hour. On the phone he said he looked like Robert Redford.   Oh I know, warning bells and all that but a gal’s gotta take some chances. Anyway, I suppose he did look like Robbie, in a fat, cheap, I'm a dick sort of way.  Not a good start so I could only hope the evening would bring a pleasant surprise or two, that was until, while on our way to the pub, he kept singing three words of a song I’d never heard of.  Over and over again, just the same three words. Eventually I asked him why didn’t he sing the whole song? He said he didn't know any of the rest. So, the three words it was. I was going to say I wish I could remember them but I don't so I'd be lying. We drove by The Smoker at Plumley and he wanted to know if I ever drank in there.  'Yes', I answered and at which he promptly did a U-turn and took me home.  Apparently, I was too posh.

Blind Dating (ii)

He was good looking, well-dressed, polite, intelligent and fun and I thought my luck was in. Not bad for a sort of blind date having met playing racing on the motorway going home from Newcastle - my friend was driving while I was busy giving the Royal wave. Anyways, we’d joined up for a coffee at some services or other and he and I arranged to meet in a pub in Knutsford the following evening.  He was in insurance and oddly perhaps, the TA but I wasn't going to let that spoil the evening. Somebody has to do it, be patriotic ‘n all that. He openly admired my legs (well they were good…..haha, were!) and thought my stockings were very sexy, very silky looking.  Would I mind if he touched them?  Hmmm.  Well, why not?  What harm? After all they were in the middle of a busy pub. Oh go on then. He touched my knee. Ooo, they felt as good as they looked, he told me. What make?  Charnos.  What colour?  Amethyst.  Where from?  Broadbents.  Well this was different.  Was he planning on buying me stockings instead of the usual flowers or choccies?  A bit retro that, I thought, you know WW2 and GI Joe? Does this mean another date? It could have done but no. I mean, whilst I did admire his frankness I just couldn’t see myself going along with his idea. I wasn’t the only one as it seems his wife couldn’t either so she left him. He wanted the stockings for himself. Turned out he liked dressing up in women’s clothing. Bah!

Blind Dating (iii)

He told me he had brown hair.  It was grey and to go with it he wore a pink v neck jumper over a navy polo shirt and light grey slacks with light grey shoes. Apart from that he was a pleasant enough bloke, I suppose, if you like that style........and he was a crap driver.

Blind Dating (iv)

Having heard a description of me from her friend Tracy, Sir Reginald Boldnuts (not his real name but he was a Sir), asked for my phone number and called me up for a date. I, for a laugh, accepted. He picked me up in his green MGB - very nice - and took me for a drink.  He was quite distinguished looking and beautifully dressed. He had a commanding presence being over six feet tall, broad shouldered, straight backed.  But then there was the white hair and the voice. BOOM BOOM BOOM!  In 1950's BBC radio queen's English. TWO G AND T'S PLEASE, MY GOOD MAN. Oh dear. Let's sit down shall we, in that room at the back…….. there…..in the corner?

The niceties over, talk of his estates, yacht etc, he got down to brass tacks.  What he enjoyed more than anything was to wake up in the morning with a nice warm woman lying next to him and hearing the baa of his sheep on his land. He wanted to know what I thought.

'Oh no!', says I .  'Kick 'em out by three. Can't be doing with sharing me bed and me brekkie. Nooooo!!!  Kick 'em out.  With a great big boot up the arse'.

He gave me his card should I change my mind.

Wanker.

Blind Dating (v)

He told me had an aeroplane. He didn't stop telling me about his aeroplane. The whole evening I listened politely while he talked about his bloody aeroplane. For crying out loud, I wish I’d never said he could park it on my drive. I thought he should get in his aeroplane take off and never land but I was too polite to say so. I even said thankyou when he dropped me off. And can you believe it? He didn’t ask me for another date!!!!!