Angela's Bum Deal

Angela

The Snake Pass runs from Sheffield to Glossop.  Or Glossop to Sheffield, depending which way you come from. Please yourself.  It's a lonely, bleak place, particularly in the dark. There are no lights, no paths and a steep drop on one side.  In stormy weather it can be very scary.  Very Lorna Doone. On one such night, with the rain lashing down, me and My Man were driving home from No1 Son's in Sheffield, when suddenly My Man shouted, 'what the fuck is she doing?' 'Who?', I asked. My Man had just seen a woman standing in a passing place on the opposite side of the road. 'Turn round then’, I shouted, ' we can't leave her there'. So My Man turned the car and drove back to where the woman was stood. She had scraggy, dyed blonde hair, thick make-up, bright red lipstick. Her clothes, a thin pink jacket, flowered leggings, sandals on her feet, were of no protection in such bad weather. She was soaking wet and looked frozen to death but she was smiling! I couldn't see what there was to smile about. 'What the hell are you doing out there?' I asked in a very matronly way and not expecting the reply.

'Me boyfriend chucked me out of the car and told me to make my way to Sheffield then get a train home to Nottingham. He gave me £2.53 for the train fare'.

First things first. Let’s get her into the car but that turned into a farce all of itself. The old Renault 5 was tiny, not to say falling apart, and this lady was, well, a bit of a lard-arse. The Renault only had two doors so I had to stand outside while the lady tried to climb into the back. One way, then about turn, then forward, then backward. It got more and more ridiculous and I was getting wetter, colder and ever so slightly exasperated so in the end I did the only thing left for me to do, I place my hands on her ample backside (thank god I didn’t know then what I found out eventually, oh barff) and gave her a hard shove. Yaye! She was in and off we went.

I began the interrogation. Her name was Angela and she had spent the week-end with her boyfriend in Manchester with friends. They were on their way home to Nottingham when they had a massive row. ‘What about?’ He was angry with her 'cos she wouldn't join him for a smoke. A ganja sort of smoke!  He'd stopped the car, told her to get out and make her own way home. Then he drove off leaving her miles from anywhere safe in that scary place all alone with £2.53!! He drove off to his home in Nottingham.  The home he shared with Angela which was the home that was registered in her name. Aargh! What can you say to someone in that position? Can you believe it?

We were stunned to say the least and thought we'd take her back to her friends in Manchester, after all, at times like this you need your friends around you. It was while I was giving Angela advice on how to deal with this boyfriend that I noticed a smell. A really bad smell. A poo smell. A great big poo smell.

Instead of taking Angela to Manchester where, had we thought about it, we’d never have found these friends and it was so late and we were tired and……….oh the smell, the smell and I’d squashed…. oh I can’t even say it…….we thought it best to take her to the nearest police station and let them do the necessary.

I have to add here the bobbies didn’t seem too pleased to have to do the necessary but I didn't care and at least she was safe.