Prayer for Today (nonsense version)

Prayer for Today

Occasionally, I would have to operate the bank’s huge switchboard, one of the old-fashioned kind that has hundreds of plugs and wires coming out from all over the place, just like this one in the picture only a helluva lot busier....except when it wasn't.

 Usually I was with Miss Gladrags (not her real nameJ) who, with her very deep voice, practically spat out the words,“Barhhclays Bahnk"  when answering an outside call. No hello, good morning, 'ow’s yer father unless it was an internal call from one of the directors. Then it was all stomach curdling sweetness and light, "Good Morning, How Can I Help You,  Sir?"  Fifty odd year old Miss Gladrags was a throwback from the 1950’s who still dressed that way and shopped in Manchester’s poshest department store Kendals. Only for cakes though because I don’t think she had much money but needed the kudos of being seen in all the right places with all  the right carrier bags. She looked a bit like 50’s/60’s comedienne and Belles of St Trinians actress, Joyce Grenfell only she had none of Grenfell's comedic allure. She was funny, unintentionally. She often handed in her notice, pretty safe in the knowledge she would be talked out of leaving because,'I'm indispensible to this company' and she was, to some, for a few years, and then the old lick-my-arse directors must have left because one day it was accepted. That must have been a right flipping shock to her.

Joyce Grenfell

The switchboard room was just that plus tea-making facilities, of which were put to use when any of the porters called in on the off chance of Miss Gladrags doing one of her regular turns and stripping down to her underslip . Yes, honestly. I kid you not. The porters loved it but then they were a bit odd, nice but odd. Well you'd have to be to get enjoyment out of that!  Sadly I haven't got a pic of that!  

Anyway, enough of the old temptress. One day while operating the switchboard on my own, Miss Gladrags having gone for her cakes, I thought "playtime!". What moi? Back in the days you could get all sorts of weird and wonderful free dial-up pre-recorded services including the Prayer for Today which was a recording of some religious bod saying a prayer. It was not a service either widely known or used, particularly amongst my friends. So, time for some fun. I dialled Prayer for Today then immediately called my normal office where one of my co-workers would have to answer. The timing of each call had to be spot on in order to get the right reaction.

“Good morning, accounts”

“Hello, this is the Vicar of All Saints Church, Cheadle speaking”

“Good morning vicar.  How can I help”

“ I would like to recite our prayer for the day to you.”

“HUH? HUH?  OH!  Ummmmm, right, ummmm. Thank you”

“

Today's prayer, taken from Corinthians ii, is the much loved Our Father Thou Art in Heaven. It would be a great pleasure to have you join in with me”.

“ Mmmm”

“Let us begin”

“Huh? Err. Err. Right, ok”.

“Our father, thou art in heaven

Hallow'ed be thy name

Thy kingdom come

Thy will be done

On earth as it is in heaven

Give us our daily bread as we forgive those that trespass against us

And deliver us from evil

For thine is the Kingdom

The power and the glory

For ever and ever

Amen

I hope you enjoyed today's prayer. Please call again and thank you for listening.

Goodbye”

“Thankyou for calling. Goodbye”, said my mate on the other end of the phone.

Switchboard Jamming

Another day on my own on the switchboard and another time for a bit of fun. Yeh, very naughty and very childish but heh, who wants to grow up? I dial two numbers, connect them at that vital moment and sit back to enjoy.

Man:  Parkside

Woman:  Hello, Parkside

Man:  Yes

Woman:  Parkside

Man: Yes. Can I help?

Woman: You rang us. Can I help?

Man:  No. I'm sorry but you rang us.

Woman: I'm sorry but we did not. Who are you?

Man: This is Parkside.

Woman: This is Parkside and the phone rang here.

Man:  Well the phone rang here and we are Parkside.  Parkside Garage.

Woman: We are Parkside Hospital for the Mentally Ill and the phone rang here.

Man:  I think someone is playing a bit of a joke on us.

Woman:  Yes. I think they must be. Goodbye.

Man: Goodbye.

Hand over mouth, chuckle chuckle. God, how easily amused was I? I did the very same thing with two Chinese laundrettes once but couldn’t understand a word they were saying. It sounded funny though.

Me at the switchboard some time ago